


How to Run Away from Home

by quirksandcrowns



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: 5am, F/M, Female Runner Five, Five blames herself for everything and everything is angsty, Guilt, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, angsty, espECIALLY TOWARDS THE END, spoilers for s3m44
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16323125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirksandcrowns/pseuds/quirksandcrowns
Summary: In the aftermath of Moonchild's grasp on Runner Five, the runner finds herself battling her guilt and the people who she once called 'home.'





	How to Run Away from Home

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I have been working on this story for a while and finally have gotten to a place where I am proud of the piece. I began this when I ran 'Shoot the Runner' and have been editing it ever since (I am in season 4 now!). I really hope you enjoy the tale of my Runner Five and coping with guilt!
> 
> Shout out to the Zombies, Run Discord for helping me get my facts right! Thanks y'all!

Five was never unpopular. Everyone loved her. She was kind, optimistic, empathetic, and brave. She put the safety of others before herself and loved with everything she was. The children worshiped her. They would play make-believe in the schoolyard, recreating Five’s adventures. The runners would ask Five to teach her maneuvers. And everyone wanted to be her friend. She was Abel Township’s hero  
.  
That was before Five betrayed Abel.

It wasn’t Five’s fault of course. Moonchild had taken control of her mind. She had no control over herself. Regardless, Five blamed herself. She wasn't strong enough to stop herself. If she was strong enough, Five wouldn’t have attacked Sam or Jody; thousands of people would still be alive. Five hated herself for what she had done.

When Five returned to Abel, she walked down to the prison. Rightfully so. Five was a monster. She betrayed Abel's trust and murdered in cold blood. Prison felt like a reward next to the crimes she had committed. Sam protested, telling her to not blame herself for what had happened.

The prison was a singular room below the hospital. It was damp and dark, and everything smelled like mold. The only light was from the hallway outside the cell. The bed was a sleeping bag, placed on a sack of hay. And there was no toilet. Guards had to go with the convict to the hospital's restroom. They were horrible living conditions, even for a prison. But Abel didn't have the resources to make it comfortable.

After several failed attempts to get Five to leave the cell, Sam practically moved in with her. He tried his best not to complain about the smell or how his pants got wet when he sat down. He wasn't happy about Five subjecting herself to the prison set up. Still, when he wasn’t directing a mission, he was keeping her company -even if Five made little effort to talk. It was all she could do to say ‘I’m okay’.

“You are not ‘okay’. Five, no one blames you for what you did. You weren’t, you. Please stop blaming yourself. This - how you are living- isn’t healthy. If not for yourself, then-then for me.” Sam would say, placing a gentle hand on the runner’s arm. Five wouldn’t look him in the eye. How could she after what she did?

Sam didn’t understand. Five was the strongest person he knew. He didn’t know about the guilt and the memories constantly playing in her head. To no fault of his own, Sam didn't understand why Five hadn’t bounced back as she had with Van Ark. After all, Five was the ever so stoic hero of Abel. 

Maxine didn’t try to help. She greeted Five and asked her how she was feeling. Then took Five’s vitals. That was it. Maxine didn’t try to reassure Five or get her to talk. The doctor knew that Five needed time to cope and process what had happened. Maxine knew from experience.

Maxine cleared Five of being susceptible to mind control after a week. It seemed that Simon’s miracle drug had worked. At the news, Five’s eyes lit up. Five was finally free from Moonchild. Five still hated herself for everything she had done - and she likely would for a long time. But for a moment, it seemed like her life could go back to normal.

At dinner the next day, Five decided to make her first appearance in public. Five mustered but what little courage she had and grabbed her customized Radio Abel bag. She began to walk up the stairs from her cell and walked down to the mess hall.

It was like she never left. Everyone in Abel was there. Scattered across the large room, the tables gave the feeling of a cozy school cafeteria. In the room, Abel’s many residents shared the status of their post-apocalyptic lives. This was always Five’s favorite scene. People from all corners of the world talked with love and kindness in their hearts. In the past, Five would have never been able to get close with the couple from South Africa. Or she would have never met the tattoo artist who lived 5 miles from where Five’s cousin’s had lived. Within Abel's walls lived weird, passionate, quirky, loving, and amazing people. They were Five’s people. And she could never forgive herself for hurting them.

Five stood in the doorway, watching them talk. Jody was the first to spot her. She smacked Jack on the shoulder. Jack was deep in a story about forgetting his passport in a hotel while traveling abroad.

“Jody- what the hell is so important that you keep hitting me? I was just getting to the good part!” He swatted her hand away and looked up towards the door. Seeing Five, he cut his story short and a hush fell over the mess hall.

Her face turned a bright shade of red. Five pulled her tote back onto her shoulder and walked towards the kitchen. She pulled on her best smile as she approached the counter.

Julia Reamer welcomed Five back. Julia was part of Abel’s kitchen staff. She always managed to make Abel’s rations edible. One time, when Abel’s supplies were limited to just spinach, Julia created 101 different ways to cook spinach. If there was one person loved more than Five was, it was Julia.

Julia’s dark brown skin laid on her curvy figure. Her arms and legs displayed stretch marks. Her eyes were big and were a beautiful brown. Her face was bright and always displayed a wide smile. That same smile greeted Five in the mess hall.

“Why hello, Five!" Julia said, brightly. "It is wonderful to see you! I have truly missed seeing you. You scared me the other day. I thought I was about to lose my favorite patron. How’ve you been?”

“I am doing well, Julia. It is so nice seeing a friendly face after so long.”

“Friendly? You mean to tell me that these folks aren’t being friendly?” Julia waved her serving spoon in the air, flinging food across the counter.

“No! They have been nothing but kind!” Five answered quickly.

“I see you’re back to normal! The sky could be falling and you would still be saving a pretty face.” Julia teased.

Five’s nose crinkled as she smiled. Julia was right, it was typical Five behavior to deflect her emotions to not hurt the feelings of others.

Talking to Julia almost made the deafening silence behind Five disappear. Julia filled a tray with a pile of mush resembling mashed potatoes and a piece of lamb “steak”. Five thanked her and turned towards the crowd. Wide eyes and silence met her. Five suddenly felt really self-conscious.

“Actually, Julia, I think I may take my dinner to go.”

Julia raised her eyebrows- confused, but she smiled. She took Five’s tray of food, wrapping up the rations in plastic wrap.

“Here you go, Love.” Julia handed food back to Five and watched as she placed it in her bag.

“I really appreciate it. See you later.” Five backed away from the counter and walked through the crowd. She felt their eyes on her back. Even once she was gone, people still stared dumbfounded at the door.

Julia was the first to break the silence.

“You be ashamed of yourselves.” She whispered. Her words echoed through the hall.

~~

Sam opened the hatch leading to the hospital roof. It wasn’t the first place he expected Five to be but certainly not the last. This was her daydreaming spot. Five came here to escape and let her mind roam.

Her legs dangled over the edge, facing the sunset. Sam noticed how her pleasant smile was interrupted by a silent conversation.

Five had once told him who she was always talking to. Davey, right? Sam didn’t know how he felt about Five’s daydreaming. It confused him that Five had a life that she wished she was living. But Sam never said anything. If Five was happy, Sam was too.

After a while, Five stood. She turned around, still talking to herself. When she saw Sam she jumped.

“Oh my gosh! Sam!” She breathed. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long. Just long enough to notice you haven’t eaten your dinner.” He motioned to the still wrapped food Five had brought from the mess hall. “Mind if I join you?”

“Finally! Our first date! I was wondering when you would get the courage.” Five giggled at her own joke.

“I was just waiting for the perfect moment.”

They sat in silence for what seemed like forever. Neither one minded, Five was happy to be outside and Sam was elated that she was smiling again.

“It’s good, you know. To have you back.” Sam finally said.

Five was suddenly jolted back to reality. Her smile fell and Sam mentally kicked himself for bringing it up. Just when she was happy again.

Another long silence followed- even more painful than the last. Sam knew what to say when Five was -well- herself. He didn’t even know where to start now. He didn’t know how to comfort her or distract her. All Sam could do was ruin a perfectly good moment.

“1,058.”

‘What?”

“1,058. I killed one thousand and fifty-eight people. I counted every single one. I even memorized some of their names. Dermot Lowry, Manigault Frederick, Faith Destin. They were just regular people living the best that they possibly could in this world. Dermot woke up each morning and kissed his little sister on the forehead, even when she was 20 years old and doing research together. Faith probably made coffee for her coworkers and wore yellow shoes. Manigault must have spent all of her time in the research facility, trying to find a cure. They had dreams and had people that they called ‘Family’. And I took that away from them.

When I close my eyes, I can see the panic on that ship before I blew it up. I feel the fear they felt. There’s a crimping ache in my stomach as I watch them run to the nearest lifeboat. Sirens are blaring and the people are screaming. I know it is too late for them, but I still have hope that they will make it. Then I see myself, going straight for Faith. She places herself in front of her friends, to shield them. Then she’s on the ground, bleeding from the sword in her stomach.”

Five’s voice was wavering now. She stared off to the horizon.

“I am not saying it is my fault. I know it wasn't. But if I was in control maybe -just maybe -I could have saved them. No single person should have that power. The power to take life away in an instant. I tried fighting Moonchild. I won some battles. I only rendered you and Albert unconscious. I didn’t kill you like she wanted. Why couldn’t I have done it there?

And you were right. I’m not okay. I don’t think I will be for a while. But I think- I think I am okay with that. I know I am human because I can feel. And I am feeling so much right now.”

Five choked out the last sentence, her head hung low. She looked at the ground below them, waiting for Sam to reply.

Sam was taken back by Five’s confession. He didn’t have any response. Instead, Sam took Five’s hand and squeezed it tight. Five always did that to tell people she was listening and appreciate them telling her something difficult. It seemed like the only thing to do.

Still clutching Five’s hand, Sam spoke. “We’ll get through this. Together. You don’t have to fight this battle all on your own. Even if I am used for nothing other than a tissue you use to blow your nose,” Five sniffled and laughed. “I am here for you. I will always be here for you.”

Five’s lip quivered and soon she was clinging to Sam, sobbing. Sam held her and let her cry.

“I don’t deserve you, Sam.” Five said once she had cried her last tear. She sat upright and turned her face away from Sam's gaze. Maybe if she let him see the ugly mess she was, he would move on and would be happier. Five cared for him too much for him to suffer with her.

“Nonsense. Abel doesn’t deserve you.” Sam leaned over, gently wiping her cheek. “Now, let’s get you to my room. You need to catch up on a marathon of sleep.”

Sam stood and helped Five up. They walked down Abel’s main street, towards the comms shack. Somewhere along the way, Five grabbed Sam’s hand. She didn’t know why she did, but when she did, she smiled. Maybe it was because she was with Sam, but Five could look at Abel without feeling ashamed. Abel was starting to feel like home again.


End file.
